drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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