I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
