So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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