What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
