Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
