Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
