I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
