I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Randomize
