his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Ladies don't puke and tell
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
