bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
