I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
