I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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