Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
