please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
