My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
