Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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