Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
