You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
