just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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