i can't believe i had my finger in that
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
