things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
