Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
that is very illegal...i love you.
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