well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
