i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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