you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
