if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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