Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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