True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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