I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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