you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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