i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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