I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
