you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
