he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
