can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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