just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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