mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
my poor anus
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
