His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
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