does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Randomize
