when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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