The maid of honor just puked.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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