shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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