I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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