i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
