Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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