The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I AM VODKA MAN
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
