Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
