How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
