I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
