I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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