It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
